Happy Up and Atom Day!


I’m pretty much a hot mess. I can’t eat or drink a single molecule of food or drink without spilling it all over my clothes. Most of my wardrobe has been rendered unwearable, though this hasn’t seemed to stop me from wearing said splotchy clothes out in public, much to the dismay of my friends and loved ones.

So imagine my lack of surprise when I ruined yet another outfit this weekend – both shirt and pants all at once, a new record. I win. After a fruitless trip to the laundromat, I once again sighed in resignation and tossed the now useless rags atop the heap of victims before them.

But wait! an inner voice yelled inside my head. BUT WAIT! it kept repeating, over and over. It sounded vaguely familiar…urgent, deafening, and oh so persuasive at five in the morning…

As you have immediately guessed, it was the ghost of Billy Mays. So the next day I arrived home with a renewed spirit and a giant tub of OxiClean. And I have this to say: OXICLEAN IS SENT FROM THE ANGELS ABOVE, ONE OF WHICH POSSESSES A LARGE, DISTURBINGLY ROBUST BEARD.

I’m normally not one for product endorsement, but holy crap. Soak for a few hours, wash, rinse, no stains to speak of. As soon as I can scrape enough quarters out of the local wishing wells to do laundry, I plan to pour all contents of the Miracle Bucket into the bathtub, followed by my entire closet, and soak the everliving crap out of my soon-to-be-reborn clothes.

So I made this monster that sort of resembles an atom, in honor of the scientific breakthrough that is OxiClean, which, for those of you who are not chemists such as myself, is made from OXYGEN. It’s SCIENCE, people.


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